panthera somnus


  • Thoughts and notes - anything and everything, but relatively short
  • Reflections - philosophising, realisations, internalisations
  • Progress - recording practical changes and improvements I'm making in my life



The spider that lived in the corner of my living room for months is gone.

I've been waiting for this day, but now that it's here, I miss her. I got used to her presence. I feel strangely lonely and empty. I used to fantasize about vacuuming the web; now I don't want to.

I've waited for two days. She's gone. I keep saying to myself: "one more day".



I had a weird dream about my brother last night, and today he had called me (something he almost never does). I called him back, and we ended up having a pretty lengthy peer support session over our experiences growing up in our family.

At the end of the call he told me he loved me and that I'm dear to him (something he has never said to me before), and I said I love him too (I've said it once years ago), and I could hear his voice crack when he said he has to end the call. I've never heard or seen him cry before. I've never witnessed any tender emotions from him before. It was new and weird, but it made me feel closer to him.

In the dream I'm walking in the most dense snow storm at dusk. It's so thick and white that everything I walk into comes as a surprise and almost too late. The path is faint, sometimes I can see foliage around me – I'm in a forest – sometimes nothing, but I seem to know where to go. My brother is following me on horseback. I see a dark figure in front of me and it scares me. It looks like it's wearing a cloak. Then it's gone. I tell myself it might've just been my brother getting ahead of me.

I come out of the storm into bright light, and what looks like an idyllic fishing village. I call my brother on the phone and tell him I've lost him. He says to me: "I must have taken a different path, a darker path", and the dream ends.